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"Exercise should be regarded as a tribute to the heart." -Gene Tunney
Well here I go again. Another grief journey I have no desire to travel on. I am revisiting some familiar and awful places. Perhaps I am being a bit smug but I had the mindset that I learned enough about life after my son died years ago. I learned how to live a redesigned life with the sting of how life can be at times so very unpredictable and unfair. And I suppose I was somewhat smug about my health as well. I had a consistent Pilates practice, I walked miles each week, rode my bike, and loved to kayak as much as possible. The majority of my food choices were heart healthy. Heck I even meditated most mornings with my cat sitting nearby! I had yearly physicals, recommended medical tests, health screenings and blood work. My doctor joked that I was a "boring" patient since I was so healthy.
That all changed on October 28th when I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. My heart was too weak to do the job it was expected to do and do it well! My left ventricular ejection fraction was determined to be 15-20% with the normal range as 50-65%. The ejection fraction is a measurement of how efficiently the heart pumps the blood out with each heartbeat to meet the needs of the body. My heart failure was determined to be from unknown causes which only makes for more frustration. I spent 5 days in the hospital getting adjusted to medications and processing what happened to me. I learned that heart failure is a chronic condition. My doctor advised that exercise and teaching Pilates was not going to happen for quite some time and that was just the way it was. My Cardiologist said absolutely no physical or emotional stress for now. This was a double whammy! A chronic heart condition and no exercise until my heart healed. Our son Brian was 20 years old when he died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition. His death propelled me onto a heart shattering grief journey. The journey dragged me through a frightening array of emotions, anger, fear, sadness, helplessness, bitterness, and anguish. I had many tools in my grief toolbox and I used each and every one. Pilates was one of those tools that provided comfort and a healthy distraction from my grief. How will I manage without Pilates or any kind of exercise? I was thankful of course that I received medical care, grateful that I was alive but scared of the how my life was changing again. Practicing and teaching Pilates was how I honored my son's memory. It had become a huge part of my life. I was not ready to bury this love too.
The grief process experienced from a death of a loved one is not the same as facing the loss of our health but there are some similarities. Some of the same feelings and emotions have resurfaced. I have felt helpless, discouraged and defeated. I felt vulnerable and heck, yes, I was scared I could die from this. I did so many things "right". How could my body now decide to rebel against my healthy lifestyle efforts? I was angry at my body for this massive fail. It was not exactly easy to pick myself back up after Brian died and choose the path that I did. What if I am not able to redesign my life again? What if I could not dig deep like I did before to accept another new normal for me?
I am not embarrassed to admit to a few meltdowns in the hospital. I needed to get them out of the way. Those meltdowns cleared the path for me to become an active participant in my recovery. I accepted that my heart needed the rest but I trusted that I would be back to my Pilates practice. And oh yes, I will be teaching again once I felt ready. My heart may be weak but I am pretty stubborn! Pilates was a game changer for me after Brian died and Pilates will again strength my body and provide peaceful comfort for those anxious feelings and emotions. I know that the focused steady breathe will provide me with the gift of calm lowering my blood pressure and reducing physical tension. All good things for the heart! I know that concentrating on the exercises and the soothing movement will bring me into the present moment, another heart healthy practice. I will rebuild muscular strength and endurance but also my emotional resiliency. I know I will experience the sense of control from my Pilates practice. I was not able to control what happened to my heart but I can now concentrate on controlling what I could with my body.
Emotionally I have teeter totter days. Sometimes it is too easy to fall back into an anxious mindset. I don’t like the dependency on the medicine. I despise the overwhelming fatigue. I hate having to schedule my life around my depleting energy level each and every day. The fatigue that impacts my ability to keep up with my 5 year old grandson brings on a gloomy mood. I am upset that I need to sit down to rest when walking at a mall with my granddaughter. I am struggling with the impact my illness has on those closest to me. At times I am angry that my future endeavors may not happen as envisioned. But yet I am grateful. I am thankful that I am still here, I am truly thankful that my heart disease did not impact my life until I reached 67 years old. I am grateful for John who is walking next to me each and every day. I am lucky to have family and friends both near and far that I can turn to. I have lived 47 years longer than my son, and the magnitude of this gift although bittersweet holds a permanent reserved spot in my heart.
I was able to restart my walking program once I felt a bit stronger. I have returned to my Pilates practice but with a kinder acceptance of my body with whatever issues it presents or less than desirable features I wished to change. Well- toned triceps are terrific but they do not keep my heart healthy! I am teaching again and just love how happy I am to be back.
I talk openly about my son's death for many reasons. One of his messages that I hold close to my heart is this: what we do with our body matters. Exercise can and does impact the health of our heart. Brian lived longer because he did pursue healthy habits. He exercised and his heart keep beating until it could no longer keep up with the demands. He wasn’t perfect but being perfect is not required. It is what we do and pursue 80-90% of the time that matters. My lifestyle choices also reduced stress on my heart. My odds for improvement were initially advised as 30%. After checking the condition of my arteries, my odds jumped up to 60%. Yes, there may have been a genetic component here as well but the medical staff confirmed I did my heart a favor. This is why I want to talk openly about my heart condition. The heart healthy life choices that Brian and I focused on made a difference. It was a powerful message from his situation and just as powerful from mine.
I hope that my story will motivate others to take the leap and work the 80- 90%! Start with 60-70 % if that is more attainable. Make small changes. Sit less and move more. Eat less sodium. Your taste buds will adjust! Breathe to relax and then repeat. There are many ways to add more love into our hearts. Let a consistent Pilates practice be another tool in your toolbox for a healthy heart!
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